I am alienated, an observer, an outsider, don’t want to participate but I am forced to, owing to social protocols and urges of physical embodiment. And I fail miserably while doing so. It looks like my spirit is on its own. It doesn’t care what is going on outwardly. So, mostly the things I am doing in this outside world is half-heartedly and thus gaining nothing in the context of better relationships or acquaintance. For instance, I went for a gym membership 2 years back, where only time I can go is in the morning. I hardly went 6 times in a month and whenever I was there, I did exercises for the sake of doing it and moving out of the hell as soon as possible. It was just like going to those tutions after school, an extra baggage, an additional wastage of time. And same feelings and traumas I have when I get into team building activities at office. I want to escape those or least I expect those to pass sooner than it starts to overwhelm me in a negative way.
My soul and body walking two different roads most of the times, give rise to contradictions about my personality and thus creates that big hole of self doubt in me. I am stuck between a reality and a pseudo reality created by these attributes of mine. And that results in social awkwardness that I realize as soon as that happens, but can’t help it. And also that pertains to moments that can’t be expressed in words when I feel how come I ended up here walking or driving. That moment looks like when I woke up from a deep sleep of spiritual slumber, realizing the physical being doing some action. It will be weird to say a truth, that most of the times I (spiritual being) see this body doing things like speaking, walking, listening in this pragmatic world and feel disconnected at the same time.