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What am I?

This question popped a lot in the past and every time. Being existential, and beyond the knowledge of anyone irrespective of the fact that all have their own theories and perspectives which is respectable owing to the another fact that everyone is unique and have their own interpretation of their own lives, the answer is thus subjective. Many “gurus”, “swamis”, “yogis”, etc tried to ponder on this question in their ignorant palaces, in front of the big fan following no different than those who station themselves outside the mansion of big actors in Mumbai, India. But unfortunately and very sad to say, crashing down just making mockery of it rather bringing out at least their own perception as was done by even the commoners.

In the world where spirit, soul, god, devil, angels, ghosts, fairies, Santa are real and worthless celebrations are created around these non existing things, there is no expectation of any sane answer or even effort to realize the existence of such question, the realized contemplates over and over and over again. Finally, if there is no answer came out of it then there is no point of such burden of thoughts. But when the dust of ignorance flies high and all over through different mediums into the homes and distributing all over on the streets, even the obvious answer is not visible. That obvious answer to What Am I? is that I am a brain and nothing else.

The emotional, intelligence, conscious, sub-conscious, conscientious, conditioning, beliefs, values, moral – center. The decision maker, it is the brain and I am it. The understanding, the center making sense of sensual stimuli, is it and I am it. Nothing fancy as advertised by the fake people who has taken non existing names like spiritual guide. An obvious answer to What Am I? There is no inner me or outer me as I thought before. The inner me is just the reflection of the physical brain. And the outer me is also physicality. So no inner me or outer me anymore. The physical brain is what I am.

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Parallel Reality

I like mundane works. These tasks gives me an opportunity to skip the reality altogether and create a world of my own, parallel existence of which doesn’t bother or even get realized by the aliens surrounding me. Some might be looking at me and envy the calm and quiet of me. Thinking that I am at ease but on the contrary I am spinning a story or a collection of them, while doing my work, the mundane task. Sitting at the point where chaos overwhelms, loud words are thrown upon each other. The loud laughs and giggles of flirtation spitting all over the place. The political agendas have been torn upon each other, that never helped anyone. The gossips swirling all around with full gusto. These all alienated things aren’t part of the parallel ecosystem that only thrives upon the things otherwise considered useless by the so called intellect who personifies the glory of materialism and where the ignorant giving advise to the dimwits, where wisdom is skeptical and quiet.

The washing of clothes or utensils or even brushing teeth can take longer than expected, because the parallel world is evolving and taking shape in one corner of the brain that projects it bigger into some canvas that doesn’t require additional memory space. It is beyond the limitations and size of the physicality and rise like the fresh dough but grows in multiples. Burst peacefully and exponentially, it can break all physical boundaries of any known man made till now. This parallel world in the imagination becomes a reality, owing to its addiction, becomes a habit and pleases the being. It won’t be surprising if the dreams get inspired by it. Then, dream acquires a sense of realism. Insensible becomes real for a while. Unimaginable can take place and something impossible would look easy to achieve. Those moments become a reality for sometime. Those moments are beyond expressing.

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The statements looked stereotypical to him. “Men don’t cry”. Why? They are strong. “Women are weak”. Why? They cry. He thought he was raised in a completely different setting. His mother as a single parent went against all these stereotypes rather all odds, and showcased strength both in-house and out-of-the-house. He didn’t see the vulnerabilities in his mother, that the outer world talked about. The purblind society created norms and statements and even forced rather preconditioned the people to fit themselves into those lines. So, every woman behaved like a preconditioned definition of a woman and every man put himself like a stereotyped definition of being a man. But then a contradiction is shown when a logical person says: “Everyone is unique”. Eventually, everyone is subjective and needs a specific doctrine rather than a generalized lie.

A person like him who experienced a strong woman like his mother, never trusted the vulnerabilities until he saw it outside. It triggered fear, frankly speaking, in him. He ran away from it. He was frightened. He could not take it any more. The problem was, he acted like a sponge owing to compassion and empathy and the great value he gave to the human emotions. He assimilated the vulnerability as a weakness of other person, witnessed at the specific moment, into self, that echoed back with a big thrust. He trembled with that uncontrollable quadrupled emotion and thus made that flight away. The emotions like love, especially, created that vulnerable moments, that he wanted to defy but couldn’t due to the solid existence of these in front of him. He bowed down to the vulnerability of others, every time he faced it. Consequently he started to have a distance from all the people, so that he couldn’t see this “dark side” of them. This strategy worked, as he avoided people getting too close and engulfing him in their vulnerable blanket of fear.

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Self-destruct mode

When you are left only with nihilism, it can drive you to craziness, but fortunately, the normal lads; the majority; the ignorant don’t think deeper or peep inwardly to get into that state. The realized ones are most of the times in that state, so they are habitual and have found ways to absorb it silently, with no permanent solution. No permanent solution, because there is none for anything that exist. Times, when there is nothing but only the echoes of nihilism, the self-destruct mode is turned on. This mode inhibits the being from doing its best because there is no meaning he finds in the reward that he might get out of that action. Mind you; the foresightedness is not hindered, the good or bad outcomes are still known, the sanity is intact, during this time, still the power or the meaning of nihilism renders all the possible things related to all the possible actions, meaningless. No one will understand, the self sabotaging feat undertaken by a nihilist, but the depth of it is unmatched and makes sense to the individual if not anyone else. The ambitious, competitive, fiery attitude is lost altogether, thus there is no reason to proceed or worry about the profits of the action remains. Thus, every extra aspects of life is shunned and quietened by the nihilistic outlook.

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The fact that conditioning, belief and faith plays such a significant role in our life, that it can propel a being to achieve anything. It is like a bumble bee who shouldn’t fly due to its heavy weight, doesn’t know the fact and might have a wrong belief that it can fly to eventually make it do so. Such superficial belief system can provide a base for achievers to accomplish anything and this is the only valid reason to hear weird success stories worldwide.


But the difference comes where there is a realization and a quest for a true belief system that doesn’t exist. What about them? They won’t be achieving anything in life? If so, then many realized ones are living it, struggling and dragging their life through this misery. The desire to discover themselves in a true light is unquenchable, it appears. The ones, who shatters the existing conditioning and try to set a true belief get deprived of the social support as they find themselves alone in a world that approves of two categories of people. One who achieve and others who follow blindly.


Talking about the followers aka believers who follow these achievers based on their own customized rituals and understandings, that might or might not defer from the alignment to the original superficial belief system of the strong leaders aka achievers, their shenanigans rise high in our day-to-day lives.

Final Note:

The realized ones, thus burn in their day-to-day lives as they are crushed among the commoners aka followers aka believers, deprived of the stature they deserve as they neither part of achievers club nor suit themselves among the herd of believers. They hang in the middle, which is a crisis unworthy as much as the fact that, for the world there are only two categories of men, achievers and believers, that exist.

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The dialogue

Like the soul that was in peace prior to the devil sold it an idea to get into this world with physical embodiment, promising greater capabilities to express its purest of ideas into this materialistic world, that eventually post birth brought more miseries and took away the protected peace, he was disturbed by the big thud of luggage put on the joint seat beside him by an another being. He recognized her as a girl in her mid 20’s. She then dramatically adjusted her top and put the luggage down to make herself a place to sit. She had two options, left of him or right of him, she chose the nearest to the deciding point, where she was standing which was left. He was sitting in the middle of a jointed seat that could accommodate three beings. Things were fine. He was surprised for a while but then came back to his meditative posture of not giving a damn or showing that the act hasn’t made any impact on his thought or even his physical process. He was looking all around but in her direction. He couldn’t deny that he felt her presence that disturbed him in some or other way. Her smell, for instance, was not that pleasant but gave an essence in his odor-less life. It belonged to some oil applied on the head, not able to distinguish it to identify, but it very much triggered him. Still the things were in control.

But then the houseflies and mosquitoes started lurking around the god-forbidden public place where he alighted the bus at 4 a.m. and was waiting for the metro station to open up, to take the 5 a.m. train to his place. Those organisms from hell, started irritating her. She was moving profusely to waive them away but the act was futile. They weren’t discriminating based on gender, and were hitting him with the same gusto, but he was responsive rather than being reactive like that girl. She was moving a lot, at the same time trying to watch the episode of “Mahadev” on her mobile, where Mohit Raina was enacting the main role. Coincidentally, the day was first Monday of monsoon, an auspicious day devoted to Shiva. And she looked like a big devotee of this lord. But wan’t able to control her reaction to the irritation that was caused by these little beings. He was also getting disturbed by her more than anyone else. His intuition kicked in suddenly, and asked him to talk to her. He wasn’t sure what to say. Every time she moved furiously, she would also put glimpse on him and he, behaving like a human, would also look towards her, to say something as appeared to her, but wouldn’t eventually. The conversation was happening in his head. It always had, being in 2008 or 2012 or 2016 or lately. He tried, but with a feeble voice that went unheard to the ears that wore earphones attached to her mobile phone. He got disheartened and after some time again gave a try, this time luckily heard or rather seen by her. His lips moved to make some meaningful statement as appeared to her. She nodded in agreement. He then gave the control to her, to create a two-way flow to the communication, but she didn’t. He made another attempt to ask her if she was waiting for a bus, to which she answered with the same motive that he was sitting there for. But he didn’t tell her, as he expected that she would question him and then he will answer. But she never questioned. Then he made his last attempt and asked one more question about the timing of the first metro train, to give her a hint that he was also waiting for it. But again the question was answered, without any cross question towards him. He was out of questions now, and sat quietly. He has prepared the dialogues beforehand. But it isn’t the ideal world or controlled by him, he understood. She stood up, took some time and collected the energy to pick up her luggage to move away and bid him, “OK, bye!”. He nodded in affirmative. Inside he shouted, “Wait let me accompany you as I am also intended to go to the same direction.”, but felt it needless. He went back to his thoughts, transformed from peaceful epiphany that he was into earlier, to cacophony of disturbance caused by her and self in equal measure. To try or not to try, was his question at the end. To lose peace or not to lose peace to regret later to lose peace, was his question. Either way it was about losing peace, since ever and everywhere. It was a lose-lose scenario, every time in his nihilistic world, is what he made inference in his life, every time.

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Religion talks about purity, spirituality, but what about this physicality that is far away from these words. It is indeed malice. Born out of lust, it exists by mere chance. Born out of science of hormones, the religion takes care thereafter, putting all wrong notions through conditioning, taking away the scientific element out of it. Later the realization can’t break or even oppose the strong tradition of lies served all through the childhood. Religion talks about staying away from anger, lust, enchantment, pride and illusion. But this body is made out of these things. So, these things cannot be separated, then why this hypocrisy of taboo and suppression in the society that causes more serious problems than any solution promised by this society. Only the inner self, the conscious can be termed as pure, which in complete realized state forms a better being, away from worldly affairs and defying the imperfections and flaws of this physicality.

But it seems that physicality matters more than the realized soul and thus the malice which is an expected behavior in the absence of the pure conscious, consequently miseries take form in this world. Living in a society of repression, repression of feelings, give rise to disorders that are visible in our ecosystem. Showing off a good gesture, when the whole world is looking and getting into the real dark path born out of physicality while no one watches is the bitter truth of the modern “educated” world. For instance, lust is misinterpreted into something pure and non existent term “love” to hide the real intentions and give the congressional act a pure label, which it isn’t. Everyone knows the gist of it. Same way many other deformations subdued to the societal devil, out of the malice that now we know.

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What is enlightenment?

There are many self-proclaimed enlightened souls wandering this earth, as they say. I heard them, and rather see hypocrisy, manipulation, superficiality. Burdened by the existential questions, which was a laborious task to reach out to after pondering from the higher level of problems, I faced in life, to this deepest level, with no solution whatsoever. Realization can take you to that level not higher but deeper into the dark black holes, where you are susceptible to these open-ended questions related to your own existence. Only enlightenment must get you the answer rather solution to this misery. Long back somebody left his luxurious and epicurean life to wander seeking for this antidote. He did experimentation and made his physical body suffer to an extreme pain of starvation. But I am uncertain when I hear that he was enlightened. I doubt it. Because if he was enlightened, why the cure to humanity wasn’t distributed. Why still there is a misery for the realized ones? May be he was enlightened for his own. A person can get enlightened for himself by the pain taken by himself and none other.

Then there is a lone path towards it and still it is not certain even after loads of pain taken. Is moving away from the society’s clutches, only way to initiate this streak? He was running away from death, illness, old age. But still if he was enlightened, why he died? So, his enlightenment theory doesn’t hold true. I defer it and proclaim that no one being enslaved in a human body can ever achieve enlightenment. I have real problems and for its solution I find a well promised description on a video where Sadhguru commits to answer a serious matter. But what I see is, making mockery of it rather than being serious about the problem. He entertains his illogical followers, because people like that. He has to play according to his fan base, he cannot be a sadist as the question demands him to be. No body except me will listen to him in that scenario where he sustains the integrity of the matter.

Thus enlightenment doesn’t exist like any other pure feeling or trait like love, etc.


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Rewiring 2.0

The instant you are born, the religious ceremonies start and welcome you in this freaking place. The life itself is so tormenting. And wasn’t enough that you get a tag of a specific religion, adding to the woes. Why it is tormenting? No question on the establishment of such institutions. I hope the older leaders who started it, had good intentions to create a better world, an improvised version. The foundation stood strong. But the later followers, started building their own creations of hypocrisies, lies, superstitions, etc, to twist a simple notion into complex rituals. And worst thing is, anyone questioning on such crap was dealt brutally and “religiously”. In 2016, I started feeling and hearing the meek voice of my conscious who revolted against the concept of “god”. In a world where, the statues are becoming more stronger than the real and feeble conscious, the wrong-doings of these religions cannot be ignored. The outside “god” is kept there to earn money and fill pockets of the committee members who run a successful and most-profitable business. They are richer than Ambanis, FIFA, ICC, US Government as they have added advantage of blind devoted followers, ready for massacring people on the roads in front of governments and police and even army.

Seeing such instances are enough, to check our own morality and sanity. Consequently, a weak try though, starts sparking the revolting fire within. I am not harming anyone with my discontinued faith in my own religion, yet I am made guilty by the blind followers of my own kind. You lose certain privileges when you rebel. The community first instill fear of insecurity into individuals and try to sell them cure in the form of religion. They even take money as a contribution towards building magnificent and gold covered religious buildings, outside the walls of which a 90 years old poor man pulls cycle – rickshaw. Imagine that scenery and tell me if I am right or wrong. In a world where Dalai Lama is wearing a Rolex watch and proclaims to be a monk, tell me and lie to me that you don’t see hypocrisy. And everything is normal.


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Rewiring 1.0

The conditioning is so strong that it can apparently make bad look good and reasonable. Why reasonable? In case you think, there is no reason given at all and in the name of the sanctity of the “traditions”, a lie is served and unfortunately the legacy goes on where the true meaning of legacy also gets ashamed of the twisted reality or modified definition by the ignorant public or blind followers. I myself was served a lie, that humans should eat animals (mutton, chicken) and treat is as normal. It is a food and should not be rejected or refused or condemned. I sat in a Gurudwara that announced on the microphone and to the outside world through disturbing loudspeakers, that Gurus talk about compassion. In a dining hall where food (langar) was served, I found that legitimate and reasonable food like mutton and chicken were absent. That should be my second clue about the lie after the primary being the talk about compassion. But I took my time to live with that lie until 2014, 26th April when I completely cut out the animal flesh from my diet.

While the date might look an overnight change, yet it was a long persistent effort by the sane mind to throw away the conditioning over the time. It started with liking a Vegan based Facebook page that talked reason and truth. Also seeing a horrific scene near K.R. Puram in Bangalore, impacted me and added a stronger chapter in the hypothetical book called “Reasons to abstain eating meat”. 25th April, 2014 was the last time I ate chicken and never again touched it even. Hopefully the rewiring succeeded after a long fought arguments in the court of mind.