That tution point was a mockery of education, rather it stood for the money making intent only. There was no quality learning but rush of students can be seen due to cheaper fees. It was a double storeyed house where ground floor was rented by a self-proclaimed teacher who was under the impression that he knew science related subjects. The previous Physics tution teacher was well known, but there were circumstances that led to running away from there for the two and ending up here. The environment was different, mix of students from different classes could be seen loitering around, rather studying in the rooms. Simr entered there with Adrien to clear up some Physics chapters, wearing a T-shirt that read impossible. It was so correct. One of his classmate was standing in the corner, welcomed both of them. She flirted with him a little, teasing him over his impossible attitude. His counterpart was made fun of his lousy low waist jeans. For the records, his mother also once scolded him about that and publicly compared with Simr’s which was on spot, as per her. The curious cousin sister, standing behind his mother, took a look upon both jeans. That was funny.
Getting more into the complex, the classes were empty and the teacher didn’t look like one. Simr was skeptical about him. They both saw one computer room which was locked from inside. When knocked the scene looked tensed, they were permitted in but given no heed whatsoever. They took the seat and stared hard into the screen. An adult movie was running with full enthusiam. He was shocked as well as anxious at the same time. Coming out of there, he took a peek into one room and saw a student himself teaching two minors. More than teaching he was instilling fear into those two kids whose parents thought that they were in safe hands. The fear on their faces was palpable and it really made Simr sad but helpless. The education system is really making people burdensome with fear, rather empowered, he thought.
His father was alcoholic. Had two marriages and was broke. Even though achieved higher education, but no career at all. Found bad company with people who were settled already and gave company for drinking and lurking around. What a spoil? And finally the life extinguished outta him.
He, in stark contrast to his father, protected himself from such bad and negative people. He wanted to become anything but like his father. He wanted to become anything but a failure like his father. The lessons learnt made a grave impact on him. He saw a broken home trying to get stable and look settled, but unstability took comfort away. The vulnerability can be touched and felt deep down. That time appeared, starting from scratch, a bumpy ride that was riding through a storm. Consequently the childhood was not normal but took twists and turns. The loneness was better than the company of bad. That aloofness served tools like contemplation, empathy, honesty, sensitivity, self-criticism and realization. Also in those weak times, things like fear, self-doubt and skepticism lurked around him.
He understood dark better than light. He misjudged his own capabilities and created a closet in his mind. To be in, to be in. To be in with the disorders and rituals of his own. To be in with his generalizations and thoughts of his own. When others looked to their fathers outside, he turned to his inner self for guidance and explanation. He looked through a different lens upon the society, the school, the streets, himself. He segregated him from others and even him from himself. He grew with the awkwardness, the stigma of his own making, of his own thoughts. He was dutiful and responsible and worked hard and worked harder. To be not, to be not like his father.
“What is he?” – the powerful leader asked.
“Do you mean who is he?” – his secretary enquired.
“No, I mean, what is he made of? How could a person like that exist in such a corrupt and filthy field of politics? How he survived till now? How can he become so powerful that today my position is on stake?” – he spoke, eating most of his words in his mouth.
The television broadcast took their attention, almost bewildered him and his secretary. The person they were talking about was on the prime news channel, getting interviewed by a tough faced journalist who was grinning due to his stature and reputation, he earned, in the news world. Their eyes shifted to the monitor.
“Why you risked your high-end job and got into this filth?” – The journalist was on point.
“I didn’t risked anything. This is the right job, I was seeking for long. I was meant to come here. I was searching for my motive and was tricked by the society to follow the norms and get into a comfortable job. They tried, that I shouldn’d find the real goal of mine. As that would have endangered their positions. After falling into the trap, finally I am at a right place. I am the leader of the ruling party of the state. And want to set an example of righteous administration that can run with all transparency.” – he answered with the same confidence that journalist showcased in his question.
Coming back from the tough interview, he was sitting at home, thinking about the past life. The comfortable job that paid him well but took away his peace of mind, his contentment. He moved out of it and into the politics fighting for the rights of the poor and generatl public under the banner of Communists. He was meant for it and it for him. At the dinner table, the televsion was brodcasting his recorded interview. He looked into it hard. Listened the answers clearly and went into a comtemplation mode.
The only wish I quest for is breaking it. The conditioning that is too dangerous and deeply penetrable that it can impact conscious as well as sub-conscious of a being. It has engulfed the being into a belief system that is too strong to be challenge or even outlaw. That man made belief has become more powerful along the human life as it is fed by the society, culture and family constantly into the one self. It has even overwhelmed the natural laws and beliefs. The nature that talks about justice, equality, symmetry, morality has been therefore challenged and defeated already by such man made conditioning. Breaking it looks like a dream. As any attempt of challenging it met with miseries and pain, from external sources and even some from internal sources. The people who are termed as “God” tried it, breaking the existing system, but they established their own belief system to continue further. What a misery?
The conditioning should not be anything but natural. Which cannot be taught but felt right. One human inducting a doctrine into the masses, having agenda of his own is a negative conditioning without a doubt. And unfortunately, today the world is in a grip of such cults and beliefs. They are played like puppets in the hands of such conditioning. It is hard but worth trying to stay aloof of such things. But if you are already a part of this nonsense then, it is still possible but tremendously hard to get out of its clutches. It will take sacrifice of what you are – the baseless being or being with a wrong base. The base on which your building was built needs to be shattered. If you are ready to do that, ready to accept that you are wrong and your actions are wrong, then there is a possiblity of coming out of this blood sucking conditioning.
The world I crave around me is different than I am thrusted upon in reality.
The contradictions are stronger and the insecurities grow higher in flames.
The questions burn, engulfing the unseen answers with it.
The answers never reveal itself. May be those are just myths.
The solution was never there to the questions which nobody asks but my skeptical mind did.
The ideal world is in my mind and nowhere else.
The conversations, the interactions, the expectations are met in here making me contented with this inner world.
The outer world frightens me with all the enshrouded evils it have within.
So, where is my ideal world, I ask often.
The place where I speak flawlessly, where the peace commences.
The heart break occurences have negligible chances.
I am alienated, an observer, an outsider, don’t want to participate but I am forced to, owing to social protocols and urges of physical embodiment. And I fail miserably while doing so. It looks like my spirit is on its own. It doesn’t care what is going on outwardly. So, mostly the things I am doing in this outside world is half-heartedly and thus gaining nothing in the context of better relationships or acquaintance. For instance, I went for a gym membership 2 years back, where only time I can go is in the morning. I hardly went 6 times in a month and whenever I was there, I did exercises for the sake of doing it and moving out of the hell as soon as possible. It was just like going to those tutions after school, an extra baggage, an additional wastage of time. And same feelings and traumas I have when I get into team building activities at office. I want to escape those or least I expect those to pass sooner than it starts to overwhelm me in a negative way.
My soul and body walking two different roads most of the times, give rise to contradictions about my personality and thus creates that big hole of self doubt in me. I am stuck between a reality and a pseudo reality created by these attributes of mine. And that results in social awkwardness that I realize as soon as that happens, but can’t help it. And also that pertains to moments that can’t be expressed in words when I feel how come I ended up here walking or driving. That moment looks like when I woke up from a deep sleep of spiritual slumber, realizing the physical being doing some action. It will be weird to say a truth, that most of the times I (spiritual being) see this body doing things like speaking, walking, listening in this pragmatic world and feel disconnected at the same time.
Everyday going to the office and coming out to the main road, I see this graveyard. Blistering with peace and quiet. An environment I cherish. But only unwanted part is death. The death of not physical being but more of the dreams, desires, wantings. The things can be accompalished when the individual is aware of its physical as well as mental abilities. This graveyard being a negative symbol, still instills a feeling of an inspiration, a motivation to the already dead soul of mine. It tells me that the time is ticking, it reminds me about the wrath of the passing minute. The ruthless and powerful time that takes away the childhood, youthfulness, prime of this decaying body. It takes away the people around you, gives you wrinkles and puts you under constant changes. And for a homeostatis person like me, the changes are off-putting.
Thus I look down to it, the graveyard as a reminder to do things before it engulfs me and takes away all the opportunities my life can give me.The grievousness of it, makes me feel more alive. It provides a reason to be exulted before the flame languishes into the peace of it.
It is amazing to know that going for Bachelor study of Philosophy in Delhi University, provide an opportunity to the aspirant to profess a subject called “Logic”. What makes human different from other classes of living beings can be summarized in one word – Logic. The rational beahavior of humans, give rise to society or organized groups that is significant to run this world in order. The essence of self realization, the understanding of our thinking – to – act process, give rise to some logicality. The motive of our action has to be justifiable to make the logic proud of humans. But listening to news (I avoid it directly, but some acquantance mentions it), or observing on our own the deprivation of humanity at public places, work places, etc, gives a contradiction. There is no doubt that actions and thinking are out of sync. The rationality has gone out of the human circle to take a stroll in the darkness of chaos and haphazardness.
The utter failure of the word organization, is the very tangible outcome of absence of logic from the dictionary of many so called humans. Looking at the current scenarios, the families, societies, states, nations and the world as a whole is tearing apart and are at a brink of collapse. And why am I so much sure that lack of logic is the sole reason? Because in a logical world, why an individual will irritate, provoke, harm, kill, rape, harass, rage, others. In a complete darkness of ignorance, where logic can bring a ray of light and enlighten the animalistic minds, surely can put an end to such injustices and abnormalities. Being a human, we have got this powerful tool of logic and there is an utmost need of saving it apart from saving the tigers, the natural habitats and other species.
The people who are sensitive, this word is not alien to them, but so much familiar that they breathe it in and out everytime. This induces fear, anxiety, skeptics, doubts in the individuals those understand basic humanity, are self aware and self realized. It is like a payback for the good qualities they wear. The services like sincerety, honesty, sensitivity, obligations, responsibilities, empathy are constantly used by the highly realized humans and in a perfect world, there could not be any problem with having such rich and aesthetic amenities. But in this world of imperfections and the majority of people walking up and down in their ignorance, the negative implications on such high traits are very much palpable.
The majority doesn’t understand the value of such authenticities. They doesn’t care about the human qualities which is an irony, sadly, as they are categorized under human race through their physical attributes but the soul has been sold to devil. In such an environment, the poor people having rich qualities of humanity are left vulnerable to injustices, anxieties thrown upon by the monsters. They are challenged and provoked on the grounds of evil, that leaves no option but to take a flight or remain silent. This action is taken as victory by the devils and they become more stronger. It seems in the world of dragons, the innocents are slained everyday.
There is one face that faces inwardly and the other who sees and feels the world through various mediums. People whose inner and outer faces are inclined on the same philosophies and principles, live happily and contented. The one who doesn’t realize the inner face are also happy but ignorant. But the problem comes with the people who defies outer face or whose inner and outer faces are like North and South of the directions. They faces the rant of inner self and sometimes the anger of the outside world who seems such people as anti social. Because if these people listen to their inner calling, they doesn’t fit with the mentally blind followers and if they listen to the society, the inner self doesn’t let them live in peace.
These people have higher self realization or self awareness. They have bestowed inside them, the Vedic principle of higher level of “Brahman”. They know the rights and wrongs and thus burns everyday in agony seeing the world working on contradictory principles or working far off along the set benchmarks by their inner identity. The inner self is never in peace with them as the outer self works to appease the society for its own survival. They are in continuous conflicts.
The ones who defies outer face and have self realization as a core or realm of their life, feel disconnected from the outer world and also doesn’t understand the rhetoric society. They doesn’t have the means to react or respond to the people. They feel helpless and incapable to respond to the stupidity of the general masses who are usually ignorant of their inner self or one can say lower in the scale of their “Brahman” quantifying system. These people only knows one face that is inner one, that is shapeless, spiritual, boundless and intellectual.
They often disconnect or feel difficulty in accepting their outer face to the world. They doesn’t relate to the outer face that they show up everyday to the people. They feel the world and their outer existence as illusion of their own. Dreams looks reality to them and the reality looks otherwise.
They face the anger of their two worlds.