The world I crave around me is different than I am thrusted upon in reality.
The contradictions are stronger and the insecurities grow higher in flames.
The questions burn, engulfing the unseen answers with it.
The answers never reveal itself. May be those are just myths.
The solution was never there to the questions which nobody asks but my skeptical mind did.
The ideal world is in my mind and nowhere else.
The conversations, the interactions, the expectations are met in here making me contented with this inner world.
The outer world frightens me with all the enshrouded evils it have within.
So, where is my ideal world, I ask often.
The place where I speak flawlessly, where the peace commences.
The heart break occurences have negligible chances.
The gruesome condition of majority of Indians, middle class families, who are the biggest taxpayers in India, have been a point of big debate for long but without any solution. But on the contrary their condition is worsening as Governments levies more taxes onto them, without matching the expectations this class has on its national leaders and representatives. The demand of electrification, basic infrastructure, cheap and quality education is never met while the taxes are collected properly and ironically transparency is requested from the government on balance sheets of earnings of Indians, but the other way around is promised but never shown a real meaning in Indian history ever by any state. So transparency from taxpayers, but no transparency whatsoever on where this money is invested and spent for the betterment of the society, because we don’t see any improvisation in the world around us. The potholes re appear after every rainwash. The transformers burst every now and then, leaving people into darkness metaphorically we are into darkness since the dawn of independance.
The government looks flabbergasted by the terms digital India and other fascinating words but completely ignoring the fact that judicial and policing system is crumbling badly. The instance of few weeks back, when one of my colleague fall victim of theft in a bus while she was asleep, and the fact that she was denied lodging FIR for the incident, throws a light onto this prevailing darkness here. A country that is doing great due to private firms that are ensuring employability in IT sector and other profitable but privately owned industries doesn’t prove that Government is doing great. Taking credits for such advancements and not properly having any hand in such great feats, looks an old habit of any government that settled here ever.
Finally, the goverment appear to be a person who owns a barren land and doesn’t know what to do anything out of it, sells it to a builder (private businesses) to do anything onto it and just give profit in the form of rent (taxes). That kind of an attitude gives development but it is highly unsustainable, where exploitation of not only natural resources but people happens in no good light. And I am afraid that we are on the same path of a boom that have an inevitable crash at the end due to its unsustainable nature.
A millenium that boast upon showing off rather actually mean things or convert the flamboyant speeches or words into real actions, it becomes hard for the logical population that surprisingly exist on a small number as minority, to take a stand now and then. In an era where the positive terms means different to different people owing to their common sense and take on intellectual subject matter, it really is hard to categorise himself into such terms for a honest person. The terms, for instance, “nationalist” and “religious” are becoming the matter of debates and arguments over the world. To be religious can mean two things unfortunately, that you go to worship place everyday to just show off or you are actually doing some good deeds out of humanity for people to make a positive impact. I am afraid, but former is becoming a more popular trend than the latter that encourages inclusion of moral values and basic humanity. When people like to go to pilgrimages for more out of vacation mood than truly being spiritual, the question arises to be or not to be such kind of religious.
Also for the sake of instilling patriotism into the masses, when wrong means are used by the so called “nationalists” leaders to completely re fabricate the meaning altogether, the same question of to be or not to be such a nationalist ponders into the heart of our sensibilities that we have, undoubtedly, sold in exchange of materialist goods and physical lust. The world burns while the things are only spoken rather worked upon in real sense.
I am alienated, an observer, an outsider, don’t want to participate but I am forced to, owing to social protocols and urges of physical embodiment. And I fail miserably while doing so. It looks like my spirit is on its own. It doesn’t care what is going on outwardly. So, mostly the things I am doing in this outside world is half-heartedly and thus gaining nothing in the context of better relationships or acquaintance. For instance, I went for a gym membership 2 years back, where only time I can go is in the morning. I hardly went 6 times in a month and whenever I was there, I did exercises for the sake of doing it and moving out of the hell as soon as possible. It was just like going to those tutions after school, an extra baggage, an additional wastage of time. And same feelings and traumas I have when I get into team building activities at office. I want to escape those or least I expect those to pass sooner than it starts to overwhelm me in a negative way.
My soul and body walking two different roads most of the times, give rise to contradictions about my personality and thus creates that big hole of self doubt in me. I am stuck between a reality and a pseudo reality created by these attributes of mine. And that results in social awkwardness that I realize as soon as that happens, but can’t help it. And also that pertains to moments that can’t be expressed in words when I feel how come I ended up here walking or driving. That moment looks like when I woke up from a deep sleep of spiritual slumber, realizing the physical being doing some action. It will be weird to say a truth, that most of the times I (spiritual being) see this body doing things like speaking, walking, listening in this pragmatic world and feel disconnected at the same time.
Everyone is different owing to their mental capabilities and long years conditioning. Then why the crazyness of bringing together two opposite beings into an institution called marriage? It is becoming more and more a failure, in a modern world, for two people to get it together, to fit, to adjust. More the people are understanding their own virtue, the more they understand that this binding is not possible at all. As the motive only serve procreation, which have had bigger signficance in the older times, it is better to abolish such a traditon like other older meaningless traditions lost its meaning over the time being it sati system, for example. How much time it will take to understand that it isn’t working anymore.
For the question of preservation of individuality and uniqueness, for the betterment of the nations by reducing the population burdens, and also to reduce the future savages taking birth into this world, who can potentially harm the sanctity of the already less secure nature or ecosystem, it is better to put off this mushy show of love, which is in reality a way to satisfy carnal needs of humankind. And just for getting into the fairy tale woven story of forever love, but on the contrary, just provides a support to the overall demands of materials that are unnecessarily giving an opportunity to capitalists to provide supplies. Supplies that exploits nature and become scarce thus giving rise in cost of the materials. It is becoming a vicious cycle where impact on one component of it, have bigger and long term effects on other components. It is a misfit, having a immoral motives and giving rise to greed of society as a whole.
Being an introvert, the best way to survive from the awkward glances and interactions from the provocative people who always intend to put you in miserable conundrums, is ignoring them completely. Boycotting these people, same as popular transportation boycott of Rosa Parks, is the best way introverts can deal with a situation of forced injustices thrusted upon them by the so called social protocols that doesn’t fit into its real contexts. Such interactions in schools, colleges, even workplaces become hard to stop or control, when, for instance, the school seniors take advantage of your non violent nature or a group tries to induct you into their malpractices in college, but you show disinterest silently, altogether. Also dealing with the immature colleagues in office is not only possible but unfortunately rewarded by other like minded goons. It is really infuriating to find yourself in such situations amidst pretentiousely educated folks who can’t even differentiate between bio-degradable and non bio-degradable waste.
I have personally used ignoring such people, as violence or arguing is not my cup of tea. Also spontaneity is not in my blood either. To give mean replies to the mean things said by the bullies is also not in my quiver. Therefore, here I am among the ones who prefer flight over fight. We live peaceful, having self awareness and self realization of our inner world, but ignoring intentionally the outer world, lost in our own train of thoughts. And giving attention to very scarce bunch of people who might be like us, use ignoring as a tool to survive.
Gilleruma was at work, when he heard the sad demise of his uncle. Living far away from his native, he was not able to attend the funeral. But got to know that Harlene was there. It had been a while that he saw her. Last time she met just before leaving India, to pursue higher education in Russia. They were close long back. The relationship became so intimate that time, that they crossed all boundaries. Those memories freshen up, hearing her sobbing voice on phone. The intent was, however, different. The situation made him console her on the paternal loss. He explained, his absence, which was long distance, but she was broke. He asked her to visit him, if she could, but she was still dissatisfied. Nothing could have been done at that point. He had pressure of work assignments. He couldn’t take even a day off. And this had been his excuse from long time. In school, he was busy with studies, in college he was scared of getting flunked, so gave extra focus to the useless lectures. And now he was senior consultant, and had bigger responsibilities to be carried over to get promotions and rewards. He missed her, her voice was the only thing palpable and sensory to him, after the phone call. Her image had melted into the thousands evenings, faded completely over the course of time. Her smell was lost into the office melancholies. Her coolness of ebony hair curls was forgotten over the black days of lonesome nights. Gilleruma got into his work as usual.
One day, out of nowhere, she appeared on his address. It was nice to see her after almost 10 years. They talked their hearts out, overwhelming each other with the mere presence. The light looked bright as the conversation grew deep. The old love and fondness was revived. And they forgot as the time lapsed and leaped. They got lost into each other while having a sumptuous cuisine that night. Nevertheless, tiredness proclaimed its share of sleep, eventually. And both subdued and bid good night as they departed to separate beds. But this separation made them hard to sleep and the agony started burning on heightened flames, couldn’t be extinguished owing to its socially wrecking nature.
Being an introvert in a workplace, give rise to its own set of challenges that could be same in nature as personal ones, but different in approach of providing solutions altogether. The image I have at my workplace is, that of calm and composed, but that is pretentious as the inner nature is in contradiction. The irony is, being a rarest of personality type, INFJ, I feel the pain of others as my own, especially the ones who are closer to my heart; I counsel them when they approach me, so working as per their perception of being an enlightened one. But actually, I am not. I fight with my own insecurities as much as the external factors altering my position as a whole. For example, changes in the work environment, deviation in tone and behavior of peers from the benchmardked one ( the one I set on the pretext of previous interations with them). These things makes me anxious as hell. But I try to keep my composure on a downside as the energy to openly tackle such problems have more demands to meet the limited supply I am allocated to each day.
So, coming back to the counsellor role, feeling the pain of others and helping them arises when the topic of it is discussed by them with me. And as a hardcore introvert, I don’t help people until they have asked for it. But the moment they turn towards me, I am unstoppable. The empathy outbursts, and the mission to pull out these poor souls from the swamp of professional miseries, becomes only motive of my own dreary life. Only irony is I may have my own problems building up, to which I have to devote a considerable amount of time and effort to come up with a solution. But talking one on one as a cousellor, feels good as it renders us to bring out our power to heal others. Which appears true, depending on the success rate of radiating positive impact on these suffering people, most of the times. But, without a degree in such vocation, will not fetch a full time career. We, INFJs, are born with such power is not enough to practice it professionally, other than working and polishing the skill on co-workers’ problem statements. And honestly my clientele is very small as of today, seeking counselling help, but it is satisfying.
From past week, was wondering why goal driven personal projects are not attaining completion? Then I compared and contrasted those projects with my professional work. How come at work, those get complete well in a stipulated timeframe. So where is the difference? What is lacking? Fortunately, I saw the pattern and figured out that having a timline is the most important thing and makes all difference. Like a professional project or assignment, has a funding for its completion in a 4 week window (one iteration in Agile methodology). This gives a clear idea to all stakeholders as when the product needs to be expected or demoed. Also the roles are clear to each and everyone as what has to be done. The pieces created by system engineers, developers and testers fit at the end when everything is integrated.
However, this is not the case for my personal projects. I gave a goal but not defined its timeline. The goal could be to lose this much weight or have a healthy diet or build some new application, or prepare for any certification. The common observation I had seen in life, is that the flow breaks after initial pumped up sessions towards that goal. And that is because, you guessed it right, no timeline whatsoever. No way to see or evaluate the progress. That is the big thing missing here. The projects are small and self centric, so question of human resources (or team members) is out. It is metaphorically the sole hole in the sinking ship. So need to remedy that out. And hopefully to take personal projects to closure with that strategy in mind.
Got a message on WhatsApp from an unknown number. A lost love recalled, it seemed. It was her, whom Arjan proposed five years back and she declined. After that, so many things happened in his life. College and then back to his business. He was passionate about the gift shop, he was managing, until this fateful day, when he encountered the unknown “Hi”. She revealed herself and normal conversation spurred and eventually blossomed. He was cautious as he was surprised from her actions. He wanted to make sure if she is genuine and it took exactly twenty two days, to be honest, for him to do so. The love was in the air and the things were going pretty well. A girl dumped by her ex, ironically was showing fondness for him now. It took this rudeness from her ex, to realize the pain of Arjan when he was rejected by the very same girl. The promises initiated from her side extended towards him, by her own desire.
When the love affair became serious, suddenly the ignorance, dominating phase started to take shape. The calls were cut short. The messages became one sided. The desperation became one sided. He was taken into surprise again, when she again cut him completely. Why? Was she bored again? It looked illogical and unreasonable. She came from nowhere and went into abyss in no time. Meanwhile, the heart broke again. And questions erupted to surface like a water bubble. It was like a provocation the bullies do to the nice people. He was the victim for certain in the hands of a bully.